Daily I ask myself, “have I done a good job at mothering today”? Is it just me or do other mothers question themselves daily as well? I question my actions, answers, and my tone about how the day went with my children.
Was I gentle in my answers?…not as much as I wished.
Did I listen well?…probably not.
This list goes on as we well know.
Oh, how I remember looking at my sleeping baby and wondering how in the world was I just frustrated with this perfect child? Now I look at my sullen teenager and wonder where did my baby go? 😂
I’ve been doing this mothering gig a LONG time now…since 1988. Wow, even typing that makes me feel old haha! Raising teenagers in this day and time is quite different than it was in the early 2000’s. My vast concerns then were instant messaging and attitudes ha!
Today, my concerns are a bit more complicated. I’m a bit more complicated. The world is louder. And stating the obvious, we are in a pandemic as well.
This is what pushed me over the edge this morning after a not so nice evening last night….
Madeline forgot her mask at home this morning so we needed to go back by the house. Driving down my narrow street, a lousy driver startled me as she drove way too close to my car. I swerved and hit my neighbor’s mailbox. Boo!
Honestly, it is not a big deal at all in the scheme of things. The mirror can easliy be fixed. But…I cried, and Madeline heard me say the “s” word..loudly 😳 🤡. I apologized while thinking “well that went just great”….falling apart over a silly mirror.
Thankfully, I went to my happy place and swam for a bit. I love the sound of water as I swim, thinking about nothing and everything. My mind always turns to prayer as I swim.
This morning I prayed about how I don’t know what to pray about. Apparently, I am having a come apart and need peace that only the Lord can give.
I landed on these verses as I swam, not from memory exactly but from what I have been learning this fall in my bible study on James.
James 1:5-8 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all his ways.
v 16-17 “Do not be deceived my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”
I believe my most trying times are when I worry and doubt in my ability to mother well. Adversity is part of parenting, just as it is in life. Without adversity I begin to believe that I am holding this life all together. Oh how the world wants us to believe this lie!
In reality, I am never the one holding it together…sometimes it just looks that way haha. It took a dumb broken mirror to show me how broken I am. Isn’t that how God always shows us…right in front of the teenager I tried to help navigate life the evening before?
Adversity always points me to my need for the Lord. He continues to teach me daily that I do not have it all together, He does…He is the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. I may doubt myself but He will give me wisdom for He gives generously to all and without reproach.
I’ll leave you with this lovely…
Now this grandparent gig is a totally different deal. It is glorious!