I have been filled with many thoughts lately as we approach Janie’s next surgery……thoughts of dread of my own suffering and hers and the rest of our family, yes selfishly I really don’t want to suffer. I read the emails from Cincinnati and feel overwhelmed with thoughts of picc lines, npo for 8-10 days, dilators, no enemas for a month (enemas are my friend now)…..oh and that I will be alone from 2 days after her surgery until they let us come home hopefully 8 days after that……and that Madeline will be without me for 14 days. Hank will also be alone at home taking care of the 2 other hooligans…..he is scared too!!
All this to say, I have been thinking a lot about suffering. I have had a share of suffering yet I know that does not exempt me from more suffering. Christ called us to suffer. I suffered today through many bouts of whining….seriously I call that suffering! Why is it that I want relief when I suffer??? Even in the little things like whining divas?? It seems like yesterday that I begged God to end Jeff’s suffering as he lay dying. I remember “getting” what Christ must have felt when he asked why God had forsaken him…..He was suffering as none of us will ever experience, yet I wanted relief for my husband……. as I want relief now from a little whining and a surgery that is not life threatening but giving my child a chance to live a better life. Janie suffers daily from her need yet she does not even know it…..she is content with the way her little body works…..she is not even aware that she needs relief……..doesn’t God tell us to have faith like a child?
There is one important thing I learned through hard suffering……God takes over….. I felt Him as I never had before……I depended on Him as I never had before……..I was frightened of going back to my old self when the suffering became more bearable….I was afraid of being far from God. That in of itself makes suffering worth it. I believe I have lost sight of the truth of suffering…..since I have not had gut wrenching hard suffering in quite some time. I don’t think Janie’s surgery and all it will entail is even close to gut wrenching suffering, yet I dread it all the same. My prayer for myself and our family is that we will find this upcoming trial to be one of growth towards God and each other. I’m betting that is what His plan has been all along…..
……..and of course she is worth it………..