Just Sad……

 I hesitate to post this, yet I want Madeline to know the depth of our love for her when she reads this as she grows older. Two years ago we met with an adoption specialist regarding Madeline’s rages. She was a wealth of information and helped us greatly, specifically helping me “get into” Madeline’s head. We starting holding therapy whenever she fell apart and could not control herself…….until she is able to control herself and let us help her. It is so very hard, can take a full hour of fighting, which is where the “just sad” statement is from. Just sad that she has been so greatly affected by the laws imposed upon Chinese parents which make them leave their sweet baby on the steps of an orphanage. Just sad for this mother and father that try desperately to help her heal. She did so very well, no holding, for over a year. That came screeching to a halt the night I wrote about her enormous fit a few months or weeks, don’t remember….blocked it out…..back.

 So, we are back to holding…..and she is responding again. It is THE hardest thing Hank and I have ever had to do in parenting…….just sad that she needs it. As I write that, I am struck with a true thankfulness that she does respond well to the technique and that we are not in a worse predicament. This to me is no different than having a child with a disease……you deal with it and try to figure out all that needs to be done to cure it and give your child the best chance at life (makes me think of children and parents dealing with cancer, there are no words). And love them through it. That is where we are now….taking it a day at a time and hoping that we see her learn to control herself again.

 Seriously I just get mad sometimes that there are so many children out there with broken hearts because they lay in cribs for the first year of their lives, if not longer, waiting for someone to take care of their needs. I have to trust that God has all this in his hands and opens hearts of those he desires to bring a child into their family….to love them with a deep, fierce love that they need and deserve.

So, my sweet Madeline, your mommy and daddy love you as big as the sky and the clouds, even though you tell me sometimes that you hate me as big as the sky and clouds. We are never leaving you no matter what words you choose to say. We trust that you will once again show us your beautiful heart with a giant smile upon your face. We love you more than you can ever imagine…..