Jeff came to the understanding of why he was diagnosed with “why not me?”……….only God knows the “whys”………I struggle with questioning “why” when life goes right sometimes as well……..
pretty much “what you see is what you get” kind of person. I talk too much
therefore, you pretty much know what is going on in my life even if you don’t
want to J If I get quiet there is usually too much
going on in my head, too much to process, too overloaded…..
for my 3rd 6 month mammogram the week before Christmas. I have been having
diagnostic mammograms for a while due calcifications. I have not worried for
one second about them since I have been told they are benign in nature so I was
merely naïve about it all. Well, I began to worry at this last visit when I was
told I needed a biopsy. I started out with a stereotactic biopsy before Christmas that was
unsuccessful and then was scheduled for a lumpectomy a week ago. I waited
until Tuesday to get the news that it is benign…….deep breath of relief.
but also wonder why I was spared having to go through it all…..not so much the fear of dying in this case but the fear of all the uncertainty that surrounds a diagnosis of cancer. I have lived
through all that and more when Jeff was diagnosed with brain cancer in
1992. This was a little too close to home for me. The first bit of anxiety I
felt was too familiar and sent me to a place I don’t allow myself to go in most
cases. I have become an” underreactor” (not thinking that is a word) in most
cases due to worrying my life away for years. I finally learned not to worry
until you are given something tangible to worry about. Well, I sure did not do
that this time……I went there and back. I became quite certain that God was
going to allow me to go through this time with breast cancer, simply because
“why not me?” as Jeff used to say. I’m really not a fatalist……I truly had a strong
sense that is was true probably because I have lived it before……I know what
getting that call with bad news feels like……the hours and days after that you
try to wrap you mind around it……..
me……a very large part of who I am, the person that learns to deal with
adversity and try to make the best of it even though I fail miserably at times.
other 3 women who were having lumpectomies on the same day may not have been???
come……I did not pray once for it not to be cancer. Why???? I’m not
sure….probably because I believe that God already knew and “it is what it is”.
I did pray for peace which he gave me in intervalsJ. Mostly I was anxious
unless occupied! It was a long month that I’m thankful to be on the other side
of. To say I am thankful and relieved is an understatement…..
his months and have set limits he cannot exceed. Job 14:5
gave me such peace when Jeff died. I went through months of thinking of all the
wrong medical decisions we had made. In the end I learned it did not matter, we
did the best we could with what we were given….God was in control all along……
as he is now and will be forever more.