Wednesday, September 7, 2016

So The Mourning is Real....

I write this only because I know there are a few adoptive mama's out there that real my little blog..
I don't share much about our experience with Madeline
mostly for her protection and privacy
and it is a big BUT
I know there are many families out there that have the same experience we have

trauma sometimes equals mental illness

it is ugly
the rages
the aftermath
the rollercoaster of emotions after a rage and then immediately going to normal behavior
the uncertainty of any plans that are made
the violence
many of them
doctors visits
more doctors 

these are all ugly words in the adoption community
I do believe with all my heart that they are ugly words since most of our kids don't experience this
I did not clue in to this thought until we brought Janie home and she was so very different in her ability to acclimate even though she experienced much more trauma than Madeline
She loves and loves big
our love changed and healed her

that bit of information opened my eyes to Madeline's reality
Love does not help the mentally ill
sure our love gives her way more than she could have experienced
(and us too)
yet the illness is still there
it is a confusing mess of emotions for her and our family
constantly changing and unsteady
waves ebbing and flowing
good and bad on a daily basis

I expressed to my sister today that I lose sight of the mission God has called me to with Madeline
the emotions and realities become too big to me at times and I forget that Jesus is right there with me
I want to fix her
heal her
make her feel better
make me feel better
and in all that nonsense going on in my head I forget that Jesus has it in His hands

it is just hard
mental illness stinks and is something that can't be grasped and treated like a disease
I've experienced cancer in my family and that stinks too....the unknown of it coming back
mental illness is quite the same....unknown
therefore I mourn
for her and her future

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