Tuesday, February 4, 2014

An Anniversary and Perfect Blue Buildings.....

Today is our 13th wedding anniversary!

Thirteen years ago we lied to most of our friends and told them we were getting married on February 14th.
My closest friends knew otherwise and planned an engagement party on the 4th. 
We arrived at the party a few hours after church... married!
We married in our pastor's office with just our family....
it was perfect for us and for three young children whose lives had been torn apart the previous year,
quiet, no one to stand in front of except those who knew us so well.

God knew exactly what he was doing...
he blessed a  young widow and 3 young children with a husband and leader for their family.
I vividly remember laying on my bathroom floor begging God to take Hank away
it was too soon in the eyes of the world
"make him not care for me"
"make me not care for him"
I begged God
He did not listen to my pleas
instead He chose to bless me
to bless my children
despite what the world thought
less than a year after Jeff''s death. 
I chose to follow God and my heart.
That first year was not easy
makes me laugh to think of it now...
Hank had that "deer in the headlights" look
I was still grieving 
the kids were still grieving
God knew
He chose to bless 
and I will be thankful every day of my life for that blessing.

This morning I have been processing my life
just quietly dwelling on how different it is than I had imagined. 
When Jeff was sick I listened to Counting Crows
a lot
For those of you who don't know I am a total music snob
I don't like country
Hank loves country
I know Jeff is totally amused by this...
I get lost in great deep lyrics
of which Hank can't even understand the words lol
I try to explain 
he has that blank look
after I dropped the kids off at school one of my all time favorites came on XM
Perfect Blue Buildings
John and Gardner I know you all are saying YES!

That was one of those songs that just spoke to me when I was in the depths of 
a young husband with cancer
these lines got me every.single.time

Asleep in perfect blue buildings
Beside the green apple sea
Gonna get me a little oblivion, baby
Try to keep myself away from me (myself and) me

I needed oblivion from my thoughts and my sin
those were some deep hard days

This morning I sat in my driveway and listened to the song 
checking facebook as I listened
I come across some videos posted by my sister in law
videos of their precious little girl
all the way in China
about to get a Mommy and Daddy and a brother
in one week!

My heart stopped for a second
as I listened to Perfect Blue Buildings
and stared at this perfect little angel
I thought of my sweet girls
safe in their classrooms 
with a family to call their own
of my John David who is his Momma's boy
and I cried....

I'm so thankful God did not answer my pleas to take Hank away
that He did not give me what I thought the world thought I needed
He gave me a husband to love
He gave me more children to love
He gave me a heart to love orphans 
He gave me a deeper understanding of who He is
and helped me to look outside of myself
He saved me from
myself and me

Happy Anniversary Hanky!

I have to say I'm still a music snob though!

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