Saturday, January 26, 2013

Biopsies and Such......

I'm only sharing this because I need to have my thoughts down to come back to see some day. I wish I had kept a journal when Jeff was sick so I could look back and see more of our life at that time......I hesitate in sharing this because I know someone or someone they love has just been diagnosed with cancer and it is hard to read that someone else got better news......all the whys are so strong in the beginning.....
Jeff came to the understanding of why he was diagnosed with "why not me?"..........only God knows the "whys".........I struggle with questioning "why" when life goes right sometimes as well........

All my family and friends know that I talk too much…..I am pretty much “what you see is what you get” kind of person. I talk too much therefore, you pretty much know what is going on in my life even if you don’t want to J  If I get quiet there is usually too much going on in my head, too much to process, too overloaded…..

This past month I have been quieter than usual. I went in for my 3rd 6 month mammogram the week before Christmas. I have been having diagnostic mammograms for a while due calcifications. I have not worried for one second about them since I have been told they are benign in nature so I was merely na├»ve about it all. Well, I began to worry at this last visit when I was told I needed a biopsy. I started out with a stereotactic biopsy before Christmas that was unsuccessful and then was scheduled for a lumpectomy a week ago. I waited until Tuesday to get the news that it is benign…….deep breath of relief.

As I look over this past month what I feel most is relief but also wonder why I was spared having to go through it all.....not so much the fear of dying in this case but the fear of all the uncertainty that surrounds a diagnosis of cancer. I have lived through all that and more when Jeff was diagnosed with brain cancer in 1992. This was a little too close to home for me. The first bit of anxiety I felt was too familiar and sent me to a place I don’t allow myself to go in most cases. I have become an” underreactor” (not thinking that is a word) in most cases due to worrying my life away for years. I finally learned not to worry until you are given something tangible to worry about. Well, I sure did not do that this time……I went there and back. I became quite certain that God was going to allow me to go through this time with breast cancer, simply because “why not me?” as Jeff used to say. I’m really not a fatalist……I truly had a strong sense that is was true probably because I have lived it before……I know what getting that call with bad news feels like……the hours and days after that you try to wrap you mind around it……..
After all these years it is still very real and vivid to me……a very large part of who I am, the person that learns to deal with adversity and try to make the best of it even though I fail miserably at times.

All this to say now I feel guilty…….why was I spared and the other 3 women who were having lumpectomies on the same day may not have been???

You know what bothered me the most?  The not knowing and the fear of what was to come……I did not pray once for it not to be cancer. Why???? I’m not sure….probably because I believe that God already knew and “it is what it is”. I did pray for peace which he gave me in intervalsJ. Mostly I was anxious unless occupied! It was a long month that I’m thankful to be on the other side of. To say I am thankful and relieved is an understatement…..

Man's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed. Job 14:5

This verse gave me such peace when Jeff died. I went through months of thinking of all the wrong medical decisions we had made. In the end I learned it did not matter, we did the best we could with what we were given….God was in control all along…… as he is now and will be forever more.