August 13, 2011
"As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good." 2 Thes 3:13
"Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted." Hebrews 12:3
I am weary. I am writing this for you sweet Li Qing Zhong. I am so very burdened for you. It is my greatest hope that God will allow us to be your parents. It is my hearts desire to raise you and to love you and to be your Mommy. Yet I don't know what Gods will is for you or me. I pray constantly that he will give me this request yet I also pray for God's perfect will for your life and mine and that is where the weariness comes from.
I do trust that God knows best and he works in ways I cannot comprehend. I want THE family he has for you, whether that is us or someone else.....so I am weary.....I constantly pray over your sweet pictures.....imagine your sweet voice..... wonder if you are ok.......wonder if you are happy......pray over these thoughts......pray for your health and that you know love from your foster mother.
I ponder questions deep in my heart. How could God change my heart so completely on New Years Eve 2010????? I kept thinking about your little picture and did not know why your little eyes haunted my heart. I prayed for you......I kept questioning God when it hit me that maybe WE are supposed to adopt you.......we were sponsoring you.....too old to adopt again......
I wrestled with God for nights.....could not go to sleep and would cry for you......get up and pray and ask him.....seriously?????really???????and realized it was my own fear and disbelief that was stopping me from moving forward to you.
It was then that I felt peace......determination.....confusion.....yet still peace and KNOWING that we were to move forward.......Hank not so much, he thought I had completely lost my mind but you can't really argue with God for long......so in February we applied to our agency and now I am weary...of waiting....wondering....not knowing...longing for you.
It has been a long 8 months in doing everything that I can do to get to you......but the paperwork is now done and the rest is totally up to God....I know the magnitude of what only God can do to give you to us.....it will truly be a miracle to get you.....so much bigger than anything I have ever asked of him apart from asking him to allow Jeff to live....which he did give me for some time.
This....YOU...are my greatest request from God.....I ask him constantly to grant this desire for you to me, in his perfect will.
I don't know what his answer will be .....I have to trust that he knows best and that his will IS perfect.....so I will continue to pray for you and what God wants for your life.....I pray that you will come to know him first and foremost and that you will know the love of a family.....a mommy and a daddy, brothers and sisters.....I will hold all these prayers in my heart always even if I don't get to be that mommy to you.
I am thankful for these 8 months in what God has done in my heart....that I can be willing to serve.....feel burdened.....it has been an honor to be burdened for you sweet Li Qing Zhong.